How to Communicate With Your Teen
Sometimes it can feel difficult to communicate with our teens because they seem to be seeing things only from their own perspective. In those moments, it may feel like arguments could be avoided if they would just try to understand someone else’s point of view. However, if we want them to learn how to do that, we first have to model it for them.
Imagine being someone with celiac disease born into a family famous for their bread. If eating that bread causes you pain, you would likely start avoiding it. Yet to your family, refusing the bread might feel rude or ungrateful after all the time and care they put into making it.
These are two very different perspectives, and both are true at the same time. In the same way, our teens may be experiencing a situation from a perspective that feels completely different from our own.
The Reasonable, Emotional, and Wise Mind
How do we begin teaching our teens to see things from someone else’s perspective? The answer is to learn about different minds. It can be broken down into three parts: reasonable, emotional, and wise mind. All of them have their contribution but the goal is to reach wise mind.
Reasonable mind is the part where we make decisions based on logic and facts. This can be great however, it does not use values or feelings when making decisions.
Emotions mind is great because it does use values or feelings but doesn’t use logic and facts.
Therefore, wise mind is the part that uses both parts and makes it easier to understand another person's perspective.
3 Skills to Improve Communication With Your Teen
1. Use “And” Instead of “But”
When we use the conjunction “but,” it often invalidates the first half of what we’re saying. For example, if you say, “I love you, but could you take out the trash,” the focus tends to shift to the request, and the “I love you” can feel dismissed. That’s because the word “but” places emphasis on what comes after it, making the critique the main takeaway. If we instead say, “I love you, and could you take out the trash,” both parts carry equal weight. When modeling communication with our teens, it can be more effective to use “and” instead of “but.”
2. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
When communicating with our teens, it’s important to model “I” statements. These are statements rooted in our own perspective rather than directed at the other person.
For example, imagine we’ve asked our teen to be home by a certain curfew. After repeated instances of them coming home late, we might say things like, “You have me worried,” “Where in the world have you been?” or “You are always out late.” When we lead with “you,” it can feel more like an attack.
Instead, we can shift the focus back to our own experience. For example: “I felt worried when I saw you weren’t home,” or “I would appreciate a text if you’re running late so I know you’re safe.” By modeling “I” instead of “you,” our message is more likely to be heard and helps demonstrate how to communicate from one’s own perspective.
3. State the Facts First, Then the Feelings
When modeling our perspective, it can be helpful to follow the approach of stating facts first and then feelings. This means clearly describing what happened before expressing how we feel about it. For example, if we are asking our teen not to roll their eyes during a conversation, we might say, “I’ve asked that we not roll our eyes during conversations, and that’s because I want respect to be shown both ways.”
The first part of the statement describes the situation, while the second part explains the feeling or value behind it. Communicating this way helps reduce blame and keeps the focus on our perspective rather than attacking the other person.
Modeling the Communication You Want to See
In order to improve communication with our teens, we must first make sure we are modeling healthy communication ourselves. That means clearly expressing our own perspective while also remaining open to hearing theirs. By practicing the three skills discussed in this blog, we can begin to strengthen connection and elevate the way we communicate with our teens.
Linehan, M. (2025). DBT skills training manual. The Guilford Press.
ABOUT ASHLEY BRESEE
Ashley is a therapist specializing in teens and new mothers, trained in DBT and TF-CBT. She takes a person-centered approach, empowering clients to guide their own healing in a compassionate, collaborative space.
